Kieran's Musical Bathtime Fun
by The Canadian Ninja
Summary: .UA. Kieran breaks into song when bathing. Rated T for language. Chapter 5 Kieran expands his audience to the battlefield!
1. Oscar

**Kieran's Musical Bathtime Fun**

Marcia flew back over the camp, eager to feel the wind against her face again. Yet sadly, all good things must come to an end as she touched down by a small gathering of soldiers who were quickly identified as she touched down; Rhys, Oscar and Titania having an amiable discussion. As she closed in, Rhys waved to her.

"Hello, Marcia! Did you have a nice fly?"

She nodded with a smile on her face. "It's a great feeling! You should come up with me one day!"

He backed away, looking somewhat fearful. "N-No, that's quite alright."

Marcia laughed to herself, then asked the group, "So do any of you know where Kieran is? I think he was looking for me earlier."

Titania paused before speaking up. "I believe Captain Kieran was bathing in the river."

"Er… d'you happen to know what part of the river?"

Suddenly, a loud and terribly off-key voice pierced its way through the entire camp, leading everyone to cover their ears.

"I like! Big! Axes and I cannot lie! You other knights can't deny!. That when a guy rides in with a thickass arm and a huge motherfuckin' axe you get sprung! Wanna steal it off him 'cause you know that axe is yours!"

Marcia was the first to raise her voice over the music. "Never mind, I don't think he's looking for me!"

Titania shouted to Oscar, "Has he always been like this?"

Oscar resigned himself to his fate and made his way, ears held shut, to Kieran's bathing position.

"It's definitely one of those large ones with incredibly sharp margins! Oh axey, I wanna ride witcha and heads go splitcha! That Oscar tried to stop ya, but that axe you got makes me wanna chop ya!"

Oscar stopped and nearly tried to listen to wonder how many times Kieran would defile his name, but quickly moved on.

"Oh, stupid knighty, you think you can take me? Well bring it, bring it 'cause you're just some average nitwit!"

At that point, Oscar could see Kieran in the river and shouted, "Kieran!"

Thankfully for the entire camp, Kieran stopped. "Well, if it isn't my archrival! What brings you here? Did you think to challenge me in a singing contest?"

Oscar shook his head. "Thankfully, I haven't."

Kieran grinned. "Then you must be here to hear me speak of the amazing adventures that I, Crimean Royal Knight Fifth Platoon Captain Kieran have been on since your cowardly retreat from service! Let me tell you about-"

Oscar interrupted him quickly. "Look, Kieran, we can hear your singing across the entire camp. Would you please stop singing?"

Kieran sighed with an exasperated look on his face. "Okay, fine, I'll stop singing that song."

By that point, Marcia, Rhys and Titania had all gathered to watch the proceedings. "Thank you, Kieran."

As soon as he got back to the group, Marcia whispered, "Thank you too, Oscar. I don't know what he called that, but it wasn't sin-"

And yet again, Kieran broke into song. "Oscar the Grouch, he's got a spear jammed up his-"

Oscar, flushed red in the face, shouted, "Kieran!"

With a smile, Kieran turned and said, "I said I'd stop singing that song!" And he continued to sing, despite Oscar's pleas to stop. Rhys looked horrified, while Marcia was literally rolling in the dirt laughing. Titania, on the other hand, was holding a poker face, though she eventually covered her giggling with her hand.


	2. Soren

In the mess hall, food was being passed around. Mostly to Ilyana, who somehow ate enough for the rest of the troops, but food eventually made it to the others. Soren was found in his usual place, consulting various scrolls and generally eating by himself. Ike and Titania were engaged in maintenance discussion, whereas Makalov was attempting to get anyone to gamble, having passed on Rhys and Mia and keeping his distance from his sister. Ike looked up from his discussion and approached Soren.

"Everyone appears to be here with the exception of Kieran. Have you seen him?"

Soren didn't bother to look up and kept on writing notes. "Likely sparring with himself and splitting his head open again."

"He keeps Silver and Bolt Axe, that much I can guarantee!"

Soren sighed, extremely frustrated. "Or the buffoon is bathing again." He stormed out of the mess hall towards Kieran's position.

"Why not use bows, they said, just like General Geoffrey?"

He closed in incredibly fast and lifted his hand, summoning a strong wind to literally blow Kieran out of the water. However, much to his dismay, the wind simply ruffled the water; Kieran was still singing.

"Built-in remedies for lances and strong reprise, an any-time kickass weapon you can't decline!"

Soren, agitated, lifted his arm again. The winds were strong this time and began to converge amongst themselves. He was positive that would do it, yet he stared again at Kieran's singing form in the water.

"Sharper edge and harder hits, Kieran'll chop you to bits extraordinarily fast!"

With a yell, he raised his hand once more. There was no way anyone could survive Soren casting Tornado. The winds were so strong, Soren couldn't even see the river in front of him. With a smug look on his face, he looked out onto the water.

And immediately, his jaw dropped.

"I'm a killer knight, defense and strength to boot, faster when I'm on pursuit, guaranteed to cut you down, anytime!"

Soren walked back to the mess hall dejected. Whether he missed or it had no effect, he didn't care. He walked back in as moody as ever and buried himself in his scrolls before beckoning Ike over.

"Ike, here's the report of our last battle. Everyone performed at their best and no one was injured beyond their capacity to heal." As Ike nodded in understanding, he added, "I would also like to report that Kieran is immune to wind magic, as it apparently blows right through the empty chasm that is his head."

Ike eyed Soren. "What do you mean by-"

"Drop of a hat, he's a deadly one…"

When Ike looked back at Soren, he had already buried his head in his scrolls and tomes, making several agitated noises.


	3. Marcia

Kieran had been singing constantly for the last twenty minutes. Ike's brilliant idea was to simply ignore him and hope that he only sang one song.

In unrelated news, mutiny and desertion among the army was at an all-time high.

Marcia wasn't ready to leave, but she also wasn't ready to listen to another half hour of Kieran's ungodly wailing. She turned to her brother who had remarkably tuned it all out and was busy napping against a tree. Of course, he had the innate skill to tune just about anything out. With both fingers jammed in her ear, she kicked him hard in the shin. "Hey, turd for brains! Wake up!"

Makalov jumped backwards and hit the tree hard; this was only exacerbated by an apple that fell and clocked him in the head. "Ow… what was that for?"

Marcia glared at him. "If you've got time to be napping, you've got time to stop that annoying knight from singing!"

He merely yawned. "Aw, c'mon, Sis. Why don't you do it?"

She took several steps closer, making it look like she towered over him. "What's the last thing you did for this company?"

He fished into his pocket and pulled out a coin, spinning it in his palm. "Flip you for it. Loser stops Kieran."

She groaned. Not again. "Makalov-"

"I'm heads."

She sighed again; if that was the only way he'd do it… "Fine. I'll take tails."

Makalov tossed the coin into the air and caught it between his thumb and forefinger, displaying more grace and skill than he ever showed with a sword. He held it towards Marcia. "Heads, Sis. Looks like it's your turn."

Grumbling, Marcia stormed off to Kieran's new bathing spot. Quietly, Makalov leaned back and looked at the coin in his hands. He slowly turned it in his palm, watching heads come up on both sides. Smiling to himself, he pocketed the coin again and closed his eyes, settling back into his nap.

--

Kieran stopped his singing almost as soon as he saw Marcia. "What ho, pegasus knight! What brings you here?"

Marcia did her best to keep from snorting. "What do you think? I-"

Kieran laughed. "Aha! So you've come to hear about how I, Crimean Royal Knight Fifth Platoon Captain Kieran vanquished the Great Spiders of-"

Marcia interrupted, "No, I just-"

Not to be outdone, Kieran interrupted her as well. "But of course! You've come to listen to my singing!"

Marcia buried her face within her hands. "That's the last th-"

"Behold my mighty singing ability as I serenade your heart!"

Vaguely, she thought she heard the rest of the camp laughing.

"Some things I can't get used to, no matter how I try! It's like the more you thrust, the more I slash, and baby, that's no lie!"

Marcia just wanted to end this. "Kieran!"

"Tell me, what can I say? How will I improve? How should I feel when I don't have to move?"

Any other day, she would have asked who he was talking about, but was now too frustrated to ask.

"What kind of spear is this that you've given me? I only need an axe, a spear is just too weak!"

Marcia was momentarily glad that Jill was slated for patrol duty and not her. Armor would get in the way of any beatings she would have to inflict upon him.

"Girl, all I know, is every time you're near, I feel the change, something moves, I chop you down, whatcha got to do?"

"Kieran! Enough is-"

No, Kieran did not know the meaning of the word enough. "Darling, I... I can't get enough of your lance, baby!"

Losing her patience, she waited for Kieran to look directly at her. At that moment, she placed both hands on the bottom of her tunic and pulled straight up. Desperate times called for desperate measures, and while her privates were covered, she was quite embarrassed to have her breasts dangling out where he could see them.

Needless to say, Kieran stopped singing in favor of staring.

Marcia pulled her tunic back down when she heard the beloved silence. Her frustration at having to resort to that outweighed her embarrassment. "Good. That shut you up." With that, she stormed off, leaving Kieran flabbergasted in the water. He stayed that way for several minutes before finally speaking to himself.

"Sweet! I have to serenade women more often!"


	4. Sothe

(Author's Note: The idea is somewhat far-fetched, but it implanted itself in my mind and stuck with me.)

Nasir had informed Ike and his troops that, since the wind would not blow for another several days, they may as well anchor off the coast of Gallia near an isolated island and venture off the ship.

This meant there was now a source of bathing water. In retrospect, Nasir would claim he looked death in the eye.

When it came time, Kieran stayed on one side of the island and everyone else drew straws. The winners stayed on the other side of the island and the losers tended to matters on the ship near Kieran.

Fortunately for the most recent batch, Kieran had stayed decidedly silent during his bathtime. In fact, he was beginning to swim around to regain his precious physique. Almost with a leap out of the water, he turned to look back at the ship… and promptly bellyflopped.

His clothes were there. His brilliant red armor laid next to them. But his axe was missing!

"Coward! Who dares to steal Crimean Royal Knight Fifth Platoon Captain Kieran's axe of glory?"

Suddenly, he saw a glint in the distance. Someone was running away with his axe on their back! He began to swim after the thief.

"One axe, I'll always live it up! I'm taking chase, I say I'll never give it up!"

The thief stopped and cowered, covering his ears with his hands before turning around to see what was making that ungodly racket.

"Stand tall! I'm a knight and kinda proud! I'm on the top when I get to kill a crowd!"

Realizing it was the owner of the axe, the child bolted away, hoping to lose him and hide his new prize.

"If you think I'll sit around as you steal my axe, you're thinking like a fool and it is time you faced the facts! Out there are the Daeins waiting to be had; you think I'll let you go? You're mad, you've got another knight coming!"

The young boy ran, eventually running into something hard. His green hair obscured his eyes momentarily, but he looked back up at a pale-skinned blue-haired man with an odd mark on his forehead. However, the arrival of Kieran storming in, dripping wet from his bath, silenced any conversation. He jabbed an accusing finger at the pair and shouted, "Cowards! Despicable curs! Which one of you stole my axe?"

Sothe attempted to move quicker, standing up and pointing at Nasir. "He did!"

Nasir simply stared at Sothe with his arms crossed. He got the hint and started running again.

Kieran yelled after him, "Deceitful liar! I, Crimean Royal Kn—"

Nasir put his arm in front of Kieran. "Please, stop." Instead, he shouted towards his commander, yelling, "Ike! Grab that boy!"

Kieran turned to him and angrily muttered, "You don't understand! That boy stole my axe!"

Nasir looked at him. "I understand perfectly. He stole your axe and you chased him down. Naked, I might add."

Kieran looked down and, sure enough, he had left his clothes in the heat of the chase. This was only affirmed by Nephenee's eyes going wide and suddenly turning in a different direction.


	5. Nasir

In the port city of Toha, Kieran got his very first chance to shine as a member of Ike's army to restore Crimea. While he didn't agree with abandoning the sweet lands of Crimea, he was not the commander. Besides, Princess Elincia seemed to think it the best course of action, and his goal was to protect her; he didn't have much of a choice in the manner. With Oscar taking a rest from a funk, Kieran made good use of his axe, both in training and during the battle.

However, Kieran showed he had a smarter mind during the battle; while Mackoya spotted Ike and rushed off to do battle, Kieran snuck in behind in order to secure the ship. The fodder nearby was easy, yet all that remained was the armored knight guarding the entrance.

There, disaster struck.

Kieran urged his horse on, galloping up to this pitifully slow soldier. "I am Crimean Royal Knight, Fifth Platoon Captain Kieran! See me and tremble!" He raised his axe high into the air and brought it down into a chink in the knight's chestplate. The blow did not kill him, but instead seriously injured him. However, when attempting to pull the axe out, the handle snapped, leaving the blade in the soldier's chest.

He couldn't believe it! His iron axe, broken in the middle of combat! He cried out in despair as he clutched his beloved horse.

"How could this happen to me? I've made my mistakes!"

The incredibly loud scream was enough to distract Mackoya into looking back, allowing Ike to score the final blow. The soldier, while still capable of wielding a lance, merely stared in confusion. Kieran, however, ignored everything, including a roar in front of him.

"Got no axe to use, the fight goes on as I'm fading away! I'm sick of this fight! I just want to scream!" Amidst sobs, he spoke in a much more subdued voice. "How could this happen to me?"

Another voice penetrated the air. "Commendable, though unconventional means of distracting the enemy." As Kieran looked up, he saw the owner of the ship, Nasir, had finished off the knight.

Kieran quickly looked up and hid his genuine tears as the rest of the army boarded the ship. "But I--I mean, of course, it was all planned for the start! After all, I am--"

Nasir quickly finished his sentence. "Crimean Royal Knight, Fifth Platton, Captain Kieran, yes, I heard you before."

Kieran sat upon his horse in dumbfounded shock before exclaiming, "Aha! Of course you have heard of me! After all, how could the story of slaying the Giant Centipede of Toha not be spread around the very city of my fame?"

Walking back onto the ship, Nasir wondered if saving this hapless knight was really such a good idea. 


End file.
